Kev Eadie - XXX Jalapeno, Chilli & Mozzarella Omelette

Kev Eadie is a Leeds-based comic and dangerous recluse. This is the chilling photo of himself he sent me. The rest of the recipe speaks for itself.

If you only perform one ritual which involves sharp knives and fire over the next few days, I’d like to strongly recommend you make it this one. There’s a song by The Black Crowes entitled ‘Come On’, which I find is ideal for bringing some vim and gusto to the execution of most culinary wrist-based activities. This recipe has a sizeable amount of such things. Namely: chopping, beating, bottle-shaking, frying pan and spatula control. If your ‘housemate’ hasn’t changed the bin in a while and your kitchen is turning into a landfill, you might even get the chance to swat a fly or two. Or if it’s getting really bad, spank a vagrant goat. Either that or you could stop masking your procrastination with principles, grab a bottle of bleach and purge the putridity out of that festering, filthy hovel you call a house.

So, I recommend The Black Crowes, or perhaps ‘Custard’s Last Stand’ by Ugly Custard, as the soundtrack whilst cooking.

The ingestion of these goods could make your eyes water. If this is the case, why not try eating in-front of a mirror? I like to do this, as it allows me to imagine I am having an emotional break up with myself, over breakfast. More specifically, that I am my intellect, breaking up with my physical self.

Whilst initially this creates a profoundly painful sense of imminent loss, towards the final mouthfuls you will get a glimpse of a brighter future – one in which you will no longer have your body pestering you all day long to help feed, clothe and bathe it. Just think, at last you will be able to live a life entirely devoted to intellectual pursuits! Then at the crucial moment, you realise how difficult it must be for a disembodied intellect to turn book pages or fill in crosswords and you immediately apologise to your flesh and bone. You need each other after all. Now is a good moment to offer your body a sexual favour before it packs and leaves. Yes, as an intellect, I’m sure you would prefer to write your body a letter explaining your thoughts and feelings. But as all bodies are illiterate, this act would probably just come across as insensitive. Just buck up, put some erotica on the cerebral silver screen and let your body look on and pleasure itself like the animal it is.

Finally, if getting your ingredients from Tesco, consider spicing up a mundane outing with a sprinkle of honour and see how many items you can obtain through the art of petty theft. Loose chilli peppers. Self-service checkouts. You know. Every little helps.

Contents

A tablespoon of butter/margarine

3 eggs (this is why it’s called ‘XXX’, not because it’s spicy, could feed 30 Romans or is ‘very cross’)

25 drops of Tabasco pepper sauce

Lots of peppers

A jalapeno pepper, chopped (knife or karate, either method is fine)

A red chilli pepper, chopped (“)

A ball of Mozzarella, chopped (“)

¬) Wash your hands thoroughly (front, back, palms, knuckles, in-between fingers, wrists) and pat them dry to avoid erosion of the skin. Ensure the kitchen is so clean that it would strike concern for your psychological well-being in the mind of a caring and/or intrusive friend.

!) Heat the frying pan with fire and flick (yes, flick: remember that this recipe is as wrist-heavy as a rampant badminton match) the grill to ‘on’.

“) Fling the butter/margarine into the pan and allow it to melt whilst you crack the eggs into a bowl.

£) Add the Tabasco and lots of pepper to the egg and give it all a good beating with a fork.

$) Once the butter/margarine is bubbling and popping furiously, empty the capsicum-cum-egg (yep, there’s ‘cum’ in the recipe - titters (now there’s ‘tit’ in the recipe – cachinnates (in the futile hope that an affected use of vocabulary can divert attention from the unrefined humour it led to in the first place))) mixture on top of it and ensure it spreads evenly around the pan.

%) Once you can see that a ‘base’ to the omelette has formed, but the top part is still runny, sling in the jalapeno and other chilli pepper and top with a few slices of the cheese.

^) Get it under the grill and allow it to rise. This can take a few minutes. What you may like to do at this point is to see how much saliva you can produce by slipping into a vivid reverie in which you concoct abstract flavours in your head. For example: What would the bark of a willow tree taste like, if a willow tree could smile? And what would an August in Tuscany taste like, if it were plaited?

&) Okay, your omelette should be risen and lightly browned. It should look like an off-cut of Humpty Dumpty’s cellulite in a shallow puddle of buttery rain. If it just looks like an omelette though, don’t be alarmed, that is fine also. Glide it over from frying pan to plate, assisting with a spatula as necessary and bung it in your gob.

*) After consumption, get on your knees and clean your kitchen. And do it properly this time.